The Sacrifice
by Ashael
Summary: Asaki (OC) is torn between her past and future. Songfic


||You are a Gundam pilot. From this moment on, you have no past. Nothing matters except succeeding in your missions, which I have faith you will do. You are the best I've turned out yet, better than your prideful counterpart, and you needn't worry about supplies. They will always be there.  
  
I know you're probably angry at me; I have orchestrated your life since the bomb dropped on your home. You probably think me a monster for it, but I do what I must for your sake and for the sake of the colonies. You *were* colony born, by the way. I cannot say on which.  
  
But please, remember this, dearest, that I love you, and that you will always be Sayuri, once and forever. Never lose your innocence. Good luck.  
  
Dr. O ||  
  
I rolled up the note and burned it quickly, letting it drop to the cool, dirty pavement, shrivel up, and die out.  
  
All this time, I had trusted him, and now…where was I to go? It had been two weeks since I had been released from the Gundam pilots. OZ thought she was dead, but that was no big deal. Not like the fuckers cared, anyway. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it quickly, shielding the flame, and took a long drag on it. My hands were shaking.  
  
I'm Sayuri. A kid. Why am I in this? The pick of the fucking litter? Wow, what an honor. I know I'm one of "the chosen few" but Jesus, why did O have to choose *me*? I'm no one special. Okay, maybe I have a few talents that came in handy, but they didn't need…  
  
Would I have liked to be an ignorant thug the rest of my life? Hey got a job for ya, good lodging, get to see the world, get to save the world, Sayuri, but there's one catch—you might DIE in the process. SURPRISE! If I went with the whole "God's gift" thing, it would be one of the gifts where you say, "Oh God, you shouldn't have. No, really, you shouldn't have." But see, I don't. I'm completely convinced at this point that there is no God. It's hard to believe in something good and merciful when I'm the exact opposite. I don't find it plausible.  
  
A shadow darted in front of me. Dark on dark, but still visible. Don't ask me to explain it. I don't get it myself. It moved towards me. "Asaki…"  
  
"Miron!"  
  
He lunged forward, as if he'd lost his balance, and I caught him. He was wrapped in a thin blanket, wool, irritating to the touch, and he was shivering. "Miron…" I held him up, helped him to a bench, held him tightly, told him everything would be all right, but he wasn't listening. Just chattering teeth, staring off into space, pained. He knew I was saying it to warm him, to make him feel just a bit better.  
  
I've lied to you  
  
The same way that I always do  
  
He looked at me, on the verge of hysterical laughter. He couldn't even begin to speak; I think he was delirious. It was painful to watch him, but I smiled a hopeful smile and hugged him anyway. He always had taken comfort in that, at least.  
  
This is the last smile  
  
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you  
  
Over the next few weeks, I'd visit him at Saint Vincent's, the local soup kitchen. Every day, every single goddamned day until he died, he'd give me the time that just killed me inside, because I knew he was losing it. Every single last one of his marbles were circling the drain, but he knew me, and the kitchen staff understood, in their own way. I would tell him everything. He probably didn't understand half of it then, but I told him about joining the pilots, all my problems, everything. He'd just smile and sit there. The difficulty began when he got better.  
  
Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down  
  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
  
When he began responding to me, I found myself lying more and more at him, telling him all sorts of wild stories, anything to make him believe I'd just been telling him stories to entertain him during his recovery. But Miron the soldier didn't believe me. He knew the Gundam pilots, and my allegiance to them, were truth. He began talking nonstop about how he was going to bring peace, how OZ could make everything better. Listening to him horrified me, because it was the doctrine I had once found so sound. He almost made me believe when they were doing was right again, that the world was clean-cut and easy to understand. Just when I thought I had understood, I found I didn't. And it drove me mad. Seeing him every day, as he began to walk, speak with more eloquence, and finally, begin to communicate with the outside world, I knew it had to end.  
  
Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind  
  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
  
Why I never walked away  
  
Why I played myself this way  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
Every night I came home to the safehouse in the suburbs near San Francisco, the rest of the pilots knew where I had been. I was constantly berated by Heero, who rarely exhibited such emotions. With the emotion came a warning: If I'm displaying this much feeling, heed my words.  
  
I never did.  
  
I've tried like you  
  
To do everything you wanted too  
  
This is the last time  
  
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you  
  
I only would tell him he didn't understand, that it wasn't the enemy. He was just a simpleton. But Heero saw straight through me—I could never lie to him, or any of the pilots. There was a familial closeness I hadn't had since the gangs, and even the gangs were about blood, allegiance. I didn't ever feel the threat that I might be shot violently out of the picture until Sammi came to the kitchen. I couldn't pretend any longer.  
  
Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down  
  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
  
Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind  
  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
  
Why I never walked away  
  
Why I played myself this way  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
Meanwhile, Miro wanted more and more to be back fighting with OZ. He'd grown up in the military, and his parents died fighting. "That's the only way I'm going down, Ace," he'd tell me. "The honorable way." He wouldn't see anyone else but me, became more reclusive. I wouldn't let him become the enemy. It was too terrible to think on.  
  
Why I never walked away  
  
Why I played myself this way  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
Sammi took me aside, in that dirty fluorescent light, and stared down at me, as if she could glare some sense into me. "Asaki, for your own goddamn sake, let him go or kill him. He's the past! Why can't you understand that?!" She had raised her voice, but no one stared. It wasn't matter of politeness; simply a daily occurrence that didn't matter to anyone anymore.  
  
  
  
We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds  
  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
  
We're all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds  
  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
  
Why I never walked away  
  
Why I played myself this way  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
  
  
"I can't," I whispered. "I can't. He's not ready to go, not yet." I was babbling to myself. She didn't understand it, any of it. She'd never been faced with this…or had she? Miron was mine, no one else's, and my last tie to my old life. How could I abandon him? Then again, I couldn't get away from my life as a Gundam pilot. Why hadn't I said no? MY life could have been infinitely simpler.  
  
Why I never walked away  
  
Why I played myself this way  
  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
  
Now he was standing in front of me in the dirty alleyway, ready for it. "I'm so fucking sorry," I say, hands shaking. I can barely hold up the gun. "Jesusjesusjesusjesusjesus…"  
  
"Asaki?" Sammi was nearing.  
  
"GO AWAY!" I scream over my shoulder. I most probably attract the entire neighborhood. And of course, Sammi, who never abandons me when I sound that way or otherwise. There is a hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Asaki, this is the sacrifice you have to make for the rest of the people in this world. It's killing people who might have otherwise lived. You can continue to live in doubt, or you can let him go. Death is not always the answer."  
  
I don't look at her, although I know her words are true.  
  
I pull the trigger, and for a blessed moment, there is nothing, no heat of the moment, only coolness, before the reality sets in, and then he slumps to the ground.  
  
He is dead.  
  
Pushes me away…  
  
Pushes me away… 


End file.
